... It's actually about cupcakes, unicorns, and hugs...

In case you think for whatever reason I am serious and think this game is safe for your 5 year old kid, PUT THE GAME BACK ON THE SHELF!!! If that sentence doesn't smack some sense into you, just look at this first screenshot...

"You don't think I need a doctor do you? I'm afraid of needles..." - Rick

The storyline of Splatterhouse goes like this: Rick is a metalhead but a skinny nerd. Rick loves Jenny. Jenny is a babe. Jenny and Rick go out to spooky house in the middle of the woods. Mad scientist kidnaps Jenny and kills Rick...

"Ohhh noooooooooooooooooo..." - Bruce

Rick sees a talking mask of bone that says "Wear me, I'll keep you alive and we will slaughter our enemies and save your girlfriend." So naturally Rick agrees and wears the creepy mask that is obviously evil but who can blame him? He was dying... And his girlfriend is hot. But surely this game can't be more bloody than Mortal Kombat...

Huh... Maybe it is! So anyway, the gameplay is Rick hulks the Hell out and beats the crap outta these monsters and trying to save his girlfriend as well as the entire world! No pressure. One fun thing is like most beat em up games there are these collectibles. This time it's torn up pieces of Jenny's photos (Yes, some DO show boobies. Nipples included... ) but furthermore, they explain "She must of tore these up so I'd have a trail to follow." So there is a perfectly viable reason WHY this game has uncensored nudity. Though I do think with how many photos Jenny takes of herself, she's got to be full of herself and totally narcissistic or something...

"Nooooooooooooo... Honey, I won't put your picture on the internet..." *shifts eyes side to side* - Rick

And finally the voice of the Terror Mask and his hilariousness... This guy is an awesome voice actor known for his numerous roles in cartoons... Jim freaking Cummings... If you don't know who this is, this outta clue you in...

Simply put, Splatterhouse is a bloody slash 'em up bloodfest of awesome that'd make Jason Voorhees from Friday The 13th seem like a wuss. It gets 4 out of 5 rusty blunt weapons to bash monster skulls with... The 5th point would've been granted but eh, it IS a simple beat 'em up game with repetitive linear levels... Still fun, though.