"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum... And I'm all outta gum... And all the ass died of old age..."
- Duke Nukem

When you hear these words put together you can't help but think, "Huh... This guy must be like, the Duke of Nuking stuff." Well... Yeah. He does nuke stuff, aliens stealing chicks mostly. No BS, that's pretty much the whole story.. I think you can tell already, I'm not a big fan of DN3D...

"Uh oh... My Duke sense is tingling... Is someone bad mouthing my games?! They are a legacy! A LEGACY I tell you!"  - Duke Nukem

That's right, Duke! They ARE a legacy. The legacy of Apogee Software turning into 3d Realms and then driving the company under due to employees working on ONE game series for over a decade. Oh, and Gearbox had to finish what they started as 3d Realms couldn't make a sequel to DN3D within 12 years... Schmucks.

"Hmmm... Point taken. And these are the same guys that programmed me to say 'I don't have time to play with myself.' Hehe. Irony." - Duke Nukem

So what don't I like about Duke Nukem 3D? Let's start with what I DO like, how about THAT?!?! The action is pretty fun, blowing crap up with RPGs, being shrunk to the size of a mouse was cool, the lines Duke says is funny, graphics are pretty good for the time, and the girls are fun to look at... Mostly... I know you're reading this and asking "Say what?!" so lemme get into the crap I DON'T like about Duke Nukem 3D...

For starters, the music: ... WRONG! It's like the soundtrack of Doom should've been in Duke Nukem 3D and DN3Ds soundtrack should've been Doom's! I say this because Duke's music is very atmospheric and creepy with the exception of the awesome title theme which sounds like something Metallica would play! The creepy music just doesn't fit a game boasting the action!!! Sound Effects! Most are great but there's one that just bugs the shit outta me and that's the chaingun firing: Here you have a 3 barreled heavy gun that rips holes in bad guys and yet... It makes silenced poofy sounds. Oh but firing the gun still alerts bad guys so it's NOT a silenced weapon! What's next, make a minigun like in the movie Predator or Terminator 2 make noises created by Duck Dynasty?!?!

"QUACK QUACK QUACK AFFLACK!!!"
- "Badass" gun noises

Ugh, and the disappointment continues... Big problem: Duke Nukem hates aliens, rights? Aliens are capturing Earth's babes, right? So, logically it'd make sense Duke would save the babes (As most action heroes would) and tear the aliens new assholes, right? ... WRONG!! ... Well, half-right... Duke DOES tear the aliens new assholes but he LEAVES THE BABES to their gruesome tentacled fates... What... The Hell?!

"Hi, babes... Having fun? ... Too bad... Well... Bye!"
- Duke Nukem

"Worst. Rescuer. Ever!" - Simpsons Comic Book Guy

What else is there? ... Oh, I mentioned the strippers earlier! Yeah, unlike the babes in distress you actually CAN interact with them and get a treat.. That is you think treats are poorly designed nipple pasties that look like floppy boob warts...

Yeah... Because strippers are okay to have in games, gore is okay to have in games. Apparently nipples are taboo though... People have priorities outta whack.

So what's my rating: Well, action gameplay is fun despite all the CRAP! I think Duke Nukem 3D gets 3 out of 5 stripper poles... That's just because it's been a good night and I'm feeling a little generous... Forgot rule #1 about strippers, 3D Realms: Men love boobies.